ROL: Confirm Terms.

ROL (Return On Life) is a soft measurement for lifestyle comparable to the hard marketing measurement, ROI (Return on Investment). ROL addresses small or simple life changes that can greatly improve quality of life. This week's ROL is about speaking the same language.

Saturday Stuff.

I had a long to-do list for last Saturday. The primary item on Saturday's to-do list was to take Little Suzy to the library to get a biography for an oral book report. Usually, when I have to take Little Suzy somewhere, Mario (my son) prefers to stay home for unfettered Wii and all things Mario (the plumber). I always ask Mario if he wants to come with, knowing the answer is usually no. Much to my surprise, Mario said "OK, We're going to the public library, right?" "Yes, Mario. We're going to the public library".

Not That Library.

I briefed the kids about a stop at Big Box Mart before going the library. When we arrived at Big Box Mart, Mario said "Dad, I don't want to go in. Can I start walking and meet you at the library?".
"Mario, the library is 5 miles away. You can't walk to the library.", I replied.
     Mario responded, "NO, the library is just down the street."
"Mario, we're going to the library on 2nd Street.", I answered.

North Suburban Branch Library, Loves Park, IL

     Angrily, Mario said, "YOU said we were going to the public library. The library on 2nd Street is the North Suburban Library."
"Mario, they're all public libraries. The library on 2nd Street is the North Suburban Branch of the public library.", I answered.
    Mario ended the conversation, "Maybe, but that's not what the sign says."
OK, But That's Not The Library You Said.
The whole public library/North Suburban Library conversation may seem like minutiae, but Mario has Asperger's Syndrome.  Aspies are very literal and often inflexible, so to an Aspie, the North Suburban Library is significantly different than the public library. These seemingly insignificant differences can end a day or waste many hours for an Aspie. On this Saturday, Mario rose above it all (after 5 minutes).  A successful library trip and a good day was had by all.

Lesson Learned.

This is a wonderful lesson Aspies can teach the non-Aspie enabled world. It's easy to assume everyone is talking about the same thing, even with simple terms. Simple terms don't necessarily mean similar and certainly don't mean the same terms. Little differences can have major implications and turn good exchanges bad. Taking a moment to confirm terms keeps life simpler and more enjoyable.

Do you have any examples of finding out something you said was heard differently than it was intended? How did everything turn out?

Find The Good.

My son Mario, who has Asperger's Syndrome (along with ADHD and some other short odds lottery genetics) is mainstreamed in the local jr. high school system. As part of his IEP, Mario receives significant accommodations. With his accommodations and very little effort, Mario is a solid 'C' student. When Mario puts in effort he has been an honor roll student.  This wide swing always makes for some interesting parent-teachers conferences.

Mario and Little Susie

Mid-Term Reports.

When we received Mario's 1st quarter mid-term achievement report we were very excited; Mario was on track for honor roll. My wife and I are not that tied up in Mario's grades, but his sister Little Susie is at the honor roll equivalent for her age. Self esteem issues often accompany Asperger's and ADHD. My wife and I both thought it would be good for Mario's self esteem to have some acknowledgment for his scholastics, especially since his sister excels academically*. Needless to say all four of us (with some coaching) were amped up for 1st semester conferences.

 A Lesson From The Teacher.

The absolute highlight of the conference was meeting Mario's language arts teacher. We found out that Mario was one of only two students that would receive an 'A' for the quarter. Great news but this wasn't what thrilled my wife and I, though. Mario's language arts teacher was also his case manager (responsible for making sure all Mario's accommodations in Mario's IEP were being met). After we introduced ourselves, the language arts teacher/case manager asked "So, what's Mario's gift?" My wife and I didn't understand the question. I thought, We're not even to Thanksgiving and this guy is asking about holiday gifts?" The teacher saw our puzzled look and said, "I'm Mario's case manager so I know he has Asperger's and we all know the challenges someone with Asperger's faces. I'd like to know if you've found his gift**, the things that compensate for his challenges." I knew right then, that Mario was lucky to have this gentleman as a teacher and a case manager. This guy gets it.

In Real Life.

I recall that conversation with Mario's teacher often. I think it's human nature to dwell on what we aren't getting or what isn't happening. Similarly, I often evaluate people in terms of their specific weaknesses, in terms of who these people are not. But frankly, we all have things we wish we could be better at accomplishing. I find my days happier, more fulfilling and more successful when I look for the best in those around me and think of those I love (and even those I merely know) in terms of who they are and what they do best. I try and incorporate Mario's teacher's lesson as often as possible.

Do you find yourself gravitating towards the negative? How do you accentuate the positive in those around you? How do you feel when you are evaluated based on your weaknesses as opposed to your strengths? Do you do better when you are complimented on what you do best? Or do you respond better to negative criticism?

*By the end of the year Mario had enough of academic excellence and wound up with a solid 'C' average.
** Mario's primary gift is his  rote memory. He remember many facts after seeing them only once. In grammar school he never studied for spelling tests and usually received a perfect grade. To this day he remains a visual learner.

Emmy Awards. Somebody Got Robbed.

In my continuing effort to stay behind the curve, I seek redress on a grave injustice served at last week's Emmy Awards. Peter Dinklage won the Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in the series "Game of Thrones". I am completely unfamiliar with both the actor and the series. Still I am completely comfortable in saying that the best supporting actor in a drama series received neither the award or even a nomination.

The Emmy Should Go To...

Source: Wikipedia

As a fan of "SportsNight", "Six Feet Under" and "The Gilmore Girls" I should have taken to "Parenthood" immediately. For inexplicable reasons, I didn't find the show until the middle of the first season but due to the magic of Netflix, I caught up immediately. In the midst of an incredible ensemble is an actor that doesn't appear to be acting. Max Burkholder as Max Braverman isn't playing a child with Asperger's syndrome; he is a child with Asperger's Syndrome.

He's Just Acting, But... 

Before I go further, Max Burkolder does not have Asperger's Syndrome, though it's hard to tell. As the parents of an Aspie, neither my wife nor I were sure Mr. Burkholder was acting in his roll as Max. He has the manifestations of Asperger's (inflexibility, lack of eye contact while conversing, mastery of minute details) down pat. His timing as he enters meltdown mode is impeccable. His (lack of) dealing with social situations and unspoken communication is pitch perfect. Max's portrayal of Max should be recognized by his peers in the acting community.

Older, Not Nearly As Good.

There have been adult characters with Aspergers on TV in the recent past. Mary McDonnell's Dr. Dixon on "Grey's Anatomy" was two-dimensional. Christian Clemenson as attorney Jerry "Hands" Espenson on "Boston Legal" started well but soon went over the top ("Boston Legal" was not noted for continued nuance).  There have been other characters with Aspergers as well, but none portrayed as well as Max Braverman by Max Burkholder.

So I now ask you: Do you have any other examples of outstanding representations of characters with challenges? Do you agree with my thoughts about Max Burkholder? Any ideas on the next step to getting Max Burkholder an Emmy?