ROL: The Other Child.

ROL (Return on Life) is derived from the metric ROI (Return on Investment). Just as changes (hopefully small) to investment increase profitability (hopefully disproportionately larger than the increase in investment), small incremental changes in behavior can greatly increase QOL (Quality of Life). This week's ROL is about recognizing the other child.

Family Hand-Me-Downs And More.

I have ADHD. So do both my children. There should be some award given annually named for my wife. My daughter, Little Suzy has classic ADHD and the inattentiveness, impulsiveness and clumsiness that helps define the diagnosis. My son, Mario has Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD and some other organic stuff. Suggestions are now being taken for my wife's award.

Equity Requires A Fluid Definition.

When it comes to sucking oxygen from the room, Mario wins hands down. That's not a critique, that's a fact. Kids compete for attention and use of familial resources (TV in family room, for example). Mario being older and more volatile tends to win more than his fair share. On top of that, Mario absorbs more than his share of family finances. I'm not complaining. Aspergers is neither fatal nor rare. No critical surgeries (we know of that 1st hand; another post for another day), no weekly blood draws. Still, during the third meltdown on Saturday morning perspective disappears. Often, it's just not fair to Little Suzy. So...

Different But Equal.

Little Suzy is not yet 8 years old. She has a loft bed (Grandma and Grandpa bought her a good mattress for her 1st bed so mattress got recycled) with a recycled family futon click-clack on the ground level. Pink and zebra decorating thanks to Mom. A wall mounted (thanks to a neighbor, I'm not handy) TV (thanks again Grandma and Grandpa) with a DVD player (again household recycled).  Little Suzy does live in the lap of luxury, but...

Suzy's 1st bed was falling apart. My wife suggested (and I agreed) to do it once and do it right. Wife further suggested that Little Suzy's room be set up as an oasis. A place where Suzy can bring a friend to play, chat or sleep over. A place where Suzy can go hide when Mario can't be settled. A place where Suzy can be reminded that she isn't 2nd class to her brother the oxygen sucker.

3 months in and it seems to be working. Suzy spends equal amounts of time in the family room and in her special place. More importantly, Suzy know she has a place to go.

We Aren't The Only.

Everyone has Marios and Little Suzys. There are friends, co-workers, supervisors and committee members that drain a disproportionate amount of time and attention. It's vital to put the Little Suzys of the world on equal footing. Little Suzys deserve equal standing. It's good for Suzy, Mario and "parents" that Suzy gets her share. 

I've told you how Little Suzy gets her due in my world. Who are the Suzys in your world and how do you compensate? How does Suzy feel about your choices? How does that make Mario feel? How does that make you feel? What would you do differently?

Find The Good.

My son Mario, who has Asperger's Syndrome (along with ADHD and some other short odds lottery genetics) is mainstreamed in the local jr. high school system. As part of his IEP, Mario receives significant accommodations. With his accommodations and very little effort, Mario is a solid 'C' student. When Mario puts in effort he has been an honor roll student.  This wide swing always makes for some interesting parent-teachers conferences.

Mario and Little Susie

Mid-Term Reports.

When we received Mario's 1st quarter mid-term achievement report we were very excited; Mario was on track for honor roll. My wife and I are not that tied up in Mario's grades, but his sister Little Susie is at the honor roll equivalent for her age. Self esteem issues often accompany Asperger's and ADHD. My wife and I both thought it would be good for Mario's self esteem to have some acknowledgment for his scholastics, especially since his sister excels academically*. Needless to say all four of us (with some coaching) were amped up for 1st semester conferences.

 A Lesson From The Teacher.

The absolute highlight of the conference was meeting Mario's language arts teacher. We found out that Mario was one of only two students that would receive an 'A' for the quarter. Great news but this wasn't what thrilled my wife and I, though. Mario's language arts teacher was also his case manager (responsible for making sure all Mario's accommodations in Mario's IEP were being met). After we introduced ourselves, the language arts teacher/case manager asked "So, what's Mario's gift?" My wife and I didn't understand the question. I thought, We're not even to Thanksgiving and this guy is asking about holiday gifts?" The teacher saw our puzzled look and said, "I'm Mario's case manager so I know he has Asperger's and we all know the challenges someone with Asperger's faces. I'd like to know if you've found his gift**, the things that compensate for his challenges." I knew right then, that Mario was lucky to have this gentleman as a teacher and a case manager. This guy gets it.

In Real Life.

I recall that conversation with Mario's teacher often. I think it's human nature to dwell on what we aren't getting or what isn't happening. Similarly, I often evaluate people in terms of their specific weaknesses, in terms of who these people are not. But frankly, we all have things we wish we could be better at accomplishing. I find my days happier, more fulfilling and more successful when I look for the best in those around me and think of those I love (and even those I merely know) in terms of who they are and what they do best. I try and incorporate Mario's teacher's lesson as often as possible.

Do you find yourself gravitating towards the negative? How do you accentuate the positive in those around you? How do you feel when you are evaluated based on your weaknesses as opposed to your strengths? Do you do better when you are complimented on what you do best? Or do you respond better to negative criticism?

*By the end of the year Mario had enough of academic excellence and wound up with a solid 'C' average.
** Mario's primary gift is his  rote memory. He remember many facts after seeing them only once. In grammar school he never studied for spelling tests and usually received a perfect grade. To this day he remains a visual learner.

Ralph Waldo Emerson Trust 30 Challenge: Alive-est, With My Kids.

This Trust 30 prompt is from Sam Davidson. The charge is to recall a recent time when I felt most alive. Record the scene, feelings, even the smells. That recollection recorded can serve as motivator whenever I hit the wall.

Summertime and the Livin' is???

This summer had all the requisite protocol for disaster. The kids weren't going to camp, my wife rejoined the workforce (2nd shift, no less) and July was hotter than a pizza oven. My wife had always originated kids activities, but now it was my turn. I wasn't worried about taking care of my kids, but keeping them occupied and engaged well... I was a bit concerned.  Then voila, the obvious smacked me in the face and a plan was hatched.

It's Fun to Play at the YMCA.

We  were lucky enough to be gifted a summer membership to the local YMCA. In the middle of the heat wave I checked the YMCA pool schedule and found that Tuesday and Thursday evenings were conducive for a family swim. In order to beat the heat and help the kids burn some energy, I decided we would go the next night, Thursday.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part.

Thursday was a day full of excitement. The kids wanted to get ready for the pool at lunchtime, even though we weren't going until after dinner. I set 4 PM as the get ready time to avoid them waking up the next pool day and going from pajamas to swimsuits. The picture of my daughter coming to dinner in her pink cover up, pink swim goggles and purple backpack will stay with me forever. And that was merely a beginning.

Jump in, the Water's Fine.

I had some concerns, especially about taking them into water without my wife's help. The kids are 51/2 years apart and both are blessed with ADHD. Additionally my son has Asperger's Syndrome. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. Like most kids, my kids love the water. This wasn't always the case with my son but this summer was different. We all played catch. My son and I watched my daughter go down the waterslide repeatedly.  My son found a rubber duck which I proceeded to put on a duck shaped hard foam sponge creating a rubber duck on a duck raft. (This became our 1st thing in the pool ritual).  My daughter even made up a game: "Floatie in the Middle". Instead of "Monkey in the Middle" the one in the middle held up a swim noodle in a semi circle and the ball had to pass thru the noodle on the way to the other player. These Y trips were among the best parts of summer. Whenever I smell chlorine, these swim nights will always come to mind. I consider this event(s) an example of how my family and I can rise to an occasion simply by getting with the program. I put aside my concerns to get things done. The results were better than I could have imagined.

What about you? Any examples of how you forged ahead and felt great?

Ralph Waldo Emerson Trust 30 Day Challenge: Day 7: If Galileo Had Thought Rationally, The Church Would Not Have Needed 300+ Years To Decide On A Pardon.

Galileo

The day 7 prompt starts with the obvious: Rational thought is the enemy of both creativity and progress (see post title). Then the prompt make it personal. My challenge is to articulate something I always desired but considered irrational. After committing the thought to paper I must develop a business plan to make  it happen. Then I need to make it happen but I'm going to need more than 30 days.

I have always thought about writing a book. The thought would last about 2 seconds and then be replaced with a more rational thoughts like "Why would anyone care about what I have to say?" and "What's for breakfast?" As my journey from unemployed to... has continued for the last 1.5 years, it's time to start writing.

I have been blogging for almost a year and although not read by many, I have been able to provoke thought and conversation. I even have two titles in mind: "Embrace You Inner ADHD" and "The Reluctant Entrepreneur".

"ADHD" is dedicated to the fact that common wisdom takes a person with ADHD and teaches coping skills like organization and project management. Those coping skills are a jealous misinformed world trying to force an energetic creative person into a model that produces a paper pusher. Those with ADHD should be allowed to create and juggle a gazillion projects working in 10 minute increments. Pay an admin. to keep the stuff in the right piles.  ADHD'ers (I was diagnosed 2 years ago) need to embrace our gift, simultaneously working on multiple projects and developing creative ideas conjointly. Don't worry about messy desks and non linear project development. Linear thinking is for the boring.

"Entrepreneur" is about going from career employee to successful sole proprietor.  Losing my job in September, 2008 was earth shaking. Watching the stock market melt down and unemployment skyrocket during the ensuing weeks was earth shattering. It took a long time for me to realize how to put my skills to work for me. The conclusion isn't written because the introduction has just been completed. I am anxious to reach the end of the story. I'm invested.

The usual path would be to outline the book with a paragraph or 2 detailing each chapter. I'm going to do things differently. I will open a file for both and throw ideas in as they occur in my ADHD riddled brain. Once I have a half dozen ideas it's time to write paragraphs (and hopefully paragraphs and paragraphs) pull the paragraphs together and make chapters, etc. Self publishing and ebooks are a strong possibility.

As "out of the  box" as this sounds for ME, it's not really far out of bounds. I would have loved to have been in the pitch meeting for a storefront that would be open 24 hours to make photocopies in college towns. I have no idea who would invest in that crazy scheme, but once open for a while FedEx bought the whole thing.

Challenge complete. Time to collect ideas.

How about you? What do you think of my idea to write a book and my ideas for the books? What's something you've always wanted to do, but dismissed because it wasn't rational? What is stopping you from making it happen?